This blog post will be like nothing I’ve posted before. Many of you will have different opinions, positive and negative ones. Know that this post is not about the innermost parts of me (Victoria) or what I've been doing, but the core of who God is and what He has been doing!
“My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.”
2 Corinthians 12:9
For a couple of weeks now the Lord has been challenging me to speak the truth and to see freedom brought to this earth. This post has been very hard to share and it may be longer than normal, but I pray freedom and encouragement for all who read it.
Most of you know that in December of 2014, one of my all time favorite people in the world got to go home to be with our Daddy. Losing Angie was one of the hardest things I've experienced in my life. I didn't know how to deal with the pain, so I hid here in Mexico- where no one knew her and nothing reminded me of her. My heart became closed off in the most intimate way from the people I loved and even Jesus Himself. I had times when I absolutely broke, and when it came to the people who knew Angie, I couldn’t speak with them about her.
In April I got married!! It was a very perfect moment where I felt heaven touching earth. God was so glorious in our wedding and it's a moment I will never feel again here on this earth, but forever treasure in my heart. As time being married went on, different parts of myself started showing in my life. Like closing my heart. There was so much anger in my heart that I took a lot of it out on my sweet husband. Anger then took a turn to depression. Drastic things began to happen in my family's lives and I wasn’t able to experience most things with them. My family packed up and moved to California, Gabby (my youngest sister) moved in with my dad, and my aunt (who is like another mom) got married and then pregnant with her first baby.
I didn't know how to deal with all the emotions going on in my heart. I felt like I had lost sight of Gods purpose for my life and all He wanted to do in me. I was so angry with Jesus for taking Angie that I never turned to Him through all this pain. My husband was the only one who knew about the pain I was struggling with and I begged him not to tell anyone. I thought I could figure it out alone. Multiple times over months of feeling this pain I wanted to take some sort of pill. Whether it was a few or a lot, I just wanted to get rid of the pain. I share my truth with you, because I know I am not the only one who has, is, or will struggle with this pain. I want to shine light into this situation in hopes to encourage you. You are not alone. “Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have, because God has said, “Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.” Hebrews 13:5
After about 8 months pushing Jesus further and further, He spoke. He told me I couldn't continue to fight this battle alone anymore. That I couldn't do this on my own. I had buried so much pride in my soul to protect myself that I didn't want to let go of it. I came to the point where what I was feeling wasn't reality and I thought I was going crazy. I told myself that I'm a missionary and I'm not allowed to struggle like this. That's not true! It is a lie from the enemy not wanting you to reach your full potential in Christ. It took a lot of work inside of me to get to this point today. I shared my struggles with my leaders and stepped down from leading DTS as well as other ministry involvements. I needed time alone with Jesus to fill me again and remind me who I am. I felt like in ministry I was giving who I am and not who God is! So I walked away from my comfort zone.
It has been about a month and half since Rodrigo and I really let the Lord minister to us in what He wants to do. We've been going to a therapist and I have been walking through inner healing. Some days are not the easiest, but I feel like I'm learning to walk all over again. I have given my days and time to Jesus to remind me who He says I am. God has been sweet and gentle with me through this process, but has also been speaking and moving big time. Rodrigo and I were both very challenged by the Lord when he spoke to us about starting new things and not returning to YWAM as staff. I think that decision may have been the hardest. Many tears were shed as we tried to fight Jesus because of fear of something new, but we took the leap of faith. Now we are in the process of starting something new, but in baby steps. Like this blog. It was my first challenge to our new beginning.
“Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.”
John 8:32
I pray my truth helps bring light to someone else's fears or pains. Know that you are not. That it is normal to feel. I will continue to keep you all updatedon what's next in our lives. Thank you for the love and patience.
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